Buddhism teaches us to follow a middle path in life, in everything and anything, not too much, not too little, not too tight, not too loose. This includes love as well. Parents who overly protect their children in all aspects do more harm than good. Some children grow up in perfect families but have problems interacting with others, lack independence, are selfish, do not care about others, cannot think for themselves, and prioritize only themselves. Some even turn to drugs. This condition is known as being “choked by love”. Parents spoil their children too much without realizing that it is a form of abuse, thus falling into the category of abusive parents.
Every child deserves a chance to live their life independently. Do not clip their wings just because there is a storm outside. Let them soar into the storm with an adventurous heart, while you should not forget that you have to fly out as well. Your child, just like you and everyone else, has their own life to live.
Be proud of being parents who raise children with generous hearts, who are kind, not selfish, can fend for themselves, and sometimes share with others. Regardless of whether your child excels in school or not, whether they are rich or poor, great or ordinary, none of these factors diminish or enhance your value as a parent.
Cultivate good habits in your child
Raising a child to become a good person is not an easy task. Parents must take care from when the child is young, both physically and mentally, to ensure they grow up to be good adults in the future. Being responsible, able to take care of themselves, and having social skills. Instilling good habits in children is crucial for ensuring your child’s success.Children naturally imitate adults. Parents must always be a good example for their children. For instance, if you want your child to eat vegetables, you must eat vegetables as an example. If you want your child to exercise, you must exercise as an example. And if you want your child to enjoy reading, then you must read as an example because children learn best by imitation. And you should start instilling good habits when your child is still young. Importantly, do not negotiate with your child using food or toys as it can develop bad habits. Instead, spend time talking and nurturing their spirit. Rewarding children is a way to stimulate positive development, but instead of rewarding them with games or TV time, spend quality time together which will be more meaningful and memorable for them. Whether it’s doing sports together, traveling, planning fun activities for the day, or giving them something they desired, it will encourage them to initiate good activities with the family in the future.
Parents should teach their child consistently. While one parent is teaching, the other should not spoil or forbid, as it may confuse the child on whom to follow. Therefore, parents should divide their roles. Minor everyday tasks could be the mother’s responsibility, while the father should take care of major decisions. Parents who are emotionally stable tend to be more successful in raising children.
Appreciate the effort, praise motivates. To motivate your child, start by showing interest in their efforts. Most parents praise the result rather than the effort of the child. For instance, if your child draws a cartoon and shows it to you, don’t just say it’s beautiful. Praise them for the effort they put into drawing the cartoon instead because specific praise boosts the child’s morale more than the outcome. Do not compare your child’s work with others.
Raise your child to be socially pleasant as well
Do not love your child too much to the point it’s overbearing. Excessive love might make them unable to recognize or appreciate value, leading them to become socially unpleasant individuals. When they grow up, people may find them annoying and avoid them. By then, it might be too late for regrets. Strive for a balance in love and care, correcting them when necessary. Occasional punishment is no anomaly. Do not fear making your child upset or losing their love.
Rules should be clear, feasible, and easy to understand. If the child is old enough, involve them in setting household rules. The rules must be rational and age-appropriate, not enforcing adult desires on the child. Creating choices allows children to make decisions according to their age. Once rules are established, they should be consistently enforced. Establish a punishment process starting with immediate reminders for rule breaches or a systematic approach to punishment, understood and agreed upon by all family members from the start. When the child follows the rules, parents must manage their emotions first, especially if the child disobeys. The correct techniques for punishment should be age-appropriate.
Discipline effectively
When parents scold or criticize their child, it is done in the hope that the child realizes their mistakes and corrects their behavior to avoid repeating it. However, criticizing the child incorrectly can lead to loss of self-esteem, internal conflict, behavioral defiance, and deteriorating parent-child relationships.
Every time parents scold their child, many feel uncomfortable, but it is essential to adhere to the principle of correcting right as right and wrong as wrong. When a child inadvertently does something incorrect, whether intentional or not, it is the parents’ duty to guide and show the correct path for improvement. After scolding, if you wish to comfort or apologize for being loud or physically punishing, it’s okay to do so. The method of scolding and comforting is crucial. Try appropriate scolding tactics that will let your child understand and abide by their mistakes.
Psychologists suggest that parents need to be neutral. Every child can make mistakes, given their limited experience. It is impossible to expect them to know everything. We made mistakes as children too. Do not start with bias or preconceived notions against your child. Listen to their perspective without immediately assuming they are lying or making excuses. Jumping to conclusions and not opening up to listening will make the child feel unjustly treated and reluctant to share in the future, potentially leading to stronger resistance. Scold the behavior, not the child. For example, if a child uses foul language at home, it is better to say “I don’t like you speaking like that” rather than “You are terrible for speaking like that”. When parents criticize the behavior, it indicates disapproval of that specific action, not rejecting the child’s persona, thus maintaining parental love. But directly criticizing the child, like calling them bad, useless, stupid, or ugly, can hurt their self-esteem and confidence.
Ask for the child’s opinion. Instead of immediately scolding or criticizing when a mistake is made, engage in a discussion, asking what should be done if the mistake is repeated, allowing the child to contemplate the consequences and corrective measures, including their responsibility for the mistake. Every punishment should make the child aware and feel whether it comes from a place of anger or love. Impulsive or uncontrolled anger can leave a lasting negative impression, potentially affecting the child for life.
Raising a child to become a good person is not easy. Parents must provide care from a young age, both physically and mentally, to ensure they grow up to be responsible, self-sufficient adults with social skills. Instilling good habits in a child is key to their success.
